Bottling It

This might be a good time for another blog about bikes. It's been a while eh?

In particular I thought I would entertain everybody with a little information about bottle cages. "Bottle cages?" I hear you cry, and perhaps detect a smirk in your voice as you continue; "could there be a more boring and unremarkable part of a bicycle?" If I heard you correctly, then I'm afraid you have fallen for my little trap, because these humble loops of alloy or occasionally carbon can cause more consternation and intrigue than their humble role would suggest.

For example, the UCI, a probably necessary but nonetheless much maligned organisation responsible for setting and enforcing the rules of competitive cycling, sets a minimum weight which every bike in its races must meet.*

This is a rule which is never going to bother most of us mere amateurs, since any bike which can realistically come close to this threshold is going to set you back at least five or six grand. For the pros, however, the investments made by their racing teams in the latest, lightest and stiffest frames may leave riders in charge of machines -- particularly when shod with fancy mountain climbing wheels -- liable to fall foul of this regulation. "Hold on," I sense you grumbling, "this doesn't seem to be about bottle cages at all." Patience, I am getting there. In these situations, manufacturers will run out a very small batch of heavyweight bottle cages, which can be bolted to the bike at the last minute if the team suspect they are too close to the weight limit. Most of us experience the opposite problem, and are aware that our bikes could go up the mountain passes a tiny bit more easily if only we could afford to reduce their weight, by swapping to some fancier components. Consequently riders such as myself, with a tendency towards geeky and a little more money than sense (I would stress that this is much more a result of dearth of sense than a surfeit of money, except perhaps for the few days of each month wedged between payday and mortgage) bottle cages represent a tempting area to shave a few grams. Having invested in a lovely titanium frame, it's even possible to justify to yourself that fitting an ordinary five quid drinks holder would be spoiling the ship for ha’peth of tar. Plus, mechanically speaking, one can indulge in the silliest and spindliest of designs, safe in the knowledge that it will not affect the bike’s stiffness or cornering ability, and the worst that can go wrong is that it snaps and you arrive at the next town, bottle less and thirsty.

The worst that can go wrong? Oh no it isn't.

Picture the scene, a man sits in his lounge, contented smile on his face and set of Allen keys in his right hand. He is in his mid-30s, ahem, but keeps in shape and would probably look younger if he could only be bothered to shave. His thoughts of late have returned, fondly, to the theme of Ironman triathlons, and with this in mind he is preparing his kit for an hour’s riding later that day. To save space in the saddle bag or shirt pockets he is attempting to fit a hand pump and bracket between down tube and bottle cage. A bottle cage which you should bear in mind, was a result of much deliberation, and weighs a mere 9.5 g thanks to its construction from only two rings of woven carbon fibre. Even the bolts which attach it are made of lightweight aluminium alloy, and are counter-sunk flush with the surrounding carbon. If you think this sounds so good that it is almost sexy, you may be correct.

The first bolt feels exceedingly stiff, which is odd as we can be confident it was greased before it went in. Pulse quickens, frown. Thankfully there is a loud squeak, and it begins to turn. But no, we celebrate too soon, there is another less pleasant noise, and the Allen key shears through the head of the bolt like a warm fork through Wensleydale. And there it sits neither in nor out, refusing to revolve in either direction and with £30 worth of neatly sculpted carbon rattling from its midriff.

What to do now? Pliers will not grip it, and no Allen or torx key is ever going to move it again. I could drill the head off the bolt, as I had to do to get the radiator out of the old Suzuki Baleno, but while this would free the bottle cage I would never be able to reattach it or indeed anything else to the frame. Eventually I realise I need to create a surface which something else can grip. My trusty leatherman (probably the finest multitool around) is pressed into service for the unusual job of filing down the bolt head into two parallel edges which I hope will give enough purchase for a small spanner. It starts to look as though it might work, despite having nothing to align my work except the naked eye and elbow grease -- an elbow which I am grateful to believe is recovering from the misery of RSI. Unfortunately, by the time I offer up a spanner, I find I have missed my chance with a 9 mm and must continue to work until it fits an 8. Thirty minutes of careful fiddling later the spanner fits, and I am able to turn the little swine again. I think I achieved three or four full revolutions before the spanner slipped, damaging one surface so that it would no longer grip. Curses. Forty minutes of even more careful filing later and a 7 mm wrench is sitting in place very snugly. This is good, but I'm aware that I won't have many more chances, as my smallest spanner is a six, and besides there will be no metal left to reshape anyway.

Thankfully this time the tool fits perfectly, and it is not too difficult to unwind the bolt carefully, albeit with nervous, bated breath. I haven't yet had the guts to loosen or remove the second bottle cage; I may let that sleeping dog lie for the moment. But a replacement now goes to the top of my Christmas list, and I will be checking the exact make and model for the quality of its fixtures and fittings, even if that means that the weight of the unit gets pushed into double figures.

*I guess I would be more correct to say mass, rather than weight. Mass is an absolute, whereas weight is a product of the way mass is affected by gravity. As such, the same bike will have the same mass but a fractionally different weight at the top, compared with the bottom of a major climb, such as Col du Galibier. However, since no portable scale would be sensitive enough to detect the difference, I hope you will forgive my colloquial use of the word weight. Thanks